Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
