you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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