my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
