I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
