All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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