god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
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