broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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