someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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