Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
