nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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