If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
soo... how was my night?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
