a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
