Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
