Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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