My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
