I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
