all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize