yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Randomize
