I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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