i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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