Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
