NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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