gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Randomize
