oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
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