Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
