yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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