I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
