And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
