I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
