You just made me feel so damn special
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
