I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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