based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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