He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
