I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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