Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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