The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
