When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
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