You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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