I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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