Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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