Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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