I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
