mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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