Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
