would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize