people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
