the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
