I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
