oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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