I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
