Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
