I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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