hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
