just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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