Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize