I heard we made out
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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