I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
