He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
