i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
