All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
