I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
