i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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