I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
