Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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